Coming to India first and foremost was about helping the Dalit people while teaching Nursing students how to work with communities to improve their health. It has been reinforced repeatedly that this trip is not about our team but is about the people we came to serve. Yesterday we attended church at the OM campus...well have you ever been in church and felt like the sermon was written for you? That you related on every level and heard the message? No daydreaming and having to snap back into listening mode...no self talk to pay attention...but just completely in it as if you are having an earnest conversation with a close friend? That was my experience amidst all of these people I don't know.
Half way across the world and I feel God actively working in my heart. I cannot help but wonder if I HAD to be halfway across the world to give myself the freedom to throw off expectations I have of myself. That I could release all of the self imposed limitations...the constant but often subconscious censoring of my reactions in order to maintain people's view of me...what will people think of me if I talk openly...if I am myself?? If I can even recognize myself anymore because I have tried for so long to say the right thing. To put everything through the filter of "what will people think of me" before reacting. Keep in mind that much of this has been not always at a very conscious level. For sure, when I am out of my element it was conscious. But coming to realize that this weight has been there at an unconscious level as well has given me insight into how it has drained away the essence of who I truly am. And coming to the conclusion that I myself don't even remember my authentic self...the person who I am meant to be...the uncensored version that I was created to be. Whew! I realize why I deal with exhaustion and overwhelm all the time...it is a lot of work to go through life cautiously. To constantly worry about what people might think of you if you let out a tiny bit of your true self. I realize that i have gotten to the point of even doing this with my own family. And sadly, to the point that even I no longer know my true self. I have been afraid and unwilling to trust. I have been dealing with depression for many years and it is no wonder given all the "work" I constantly am doing to worry and fret about what people might think of me.
It dawns on me as I write this that I have long craved unconditional love and acceptance from my family and friends. But why am I craving it?? Because I was subconsciously rejecting that I already have unconditional love and acceptance...from God. Prior to coming on this trip, I would never have been able to write this blog. If I had even had these insights, I would have hidden them away in a private journal. Because again, what will people think of me if I speak my heart? There is only one human being that I have been willing to completely speak my heart with, who I was willing to lay myself open in front of...finally I see why it was so easy to be around her...because I was being more of my true self. (Looking forward to seeing her after her upcoming wedding)
I feel God working in my heart, and one of the points of the sermon reminded us that the Holy Spirit is a gift given to us who is living in us. I was just always "talking over" the Holy Spirit, I was interrupting any chance of the Holy Spirit speaking to me. I expect doubts to creep back in and I will try to banish them. I think of a talking circle that I have heard about from native cultures. A feather is passed around to the people in the circle and the only time you are allowed to speak is when you hold the feather. It is the Holy Spirit who is living in me's turn to hold the feather. :)
Half way across the world and I feel God actively working in my heart. I cannot help but wonder if I HAD to be halfway across the world to give myself the freedom to throw off expectations I have of myself. That I could release all of the self imposed limitations...the constant but often subconscious censoring of my reactions in order to maintain people's view of me...what will people think of me if I talk openly...if I am myself?? If I can even recognize myself anymore because I have tried for so long to say the right thing. To put everything through the filter of "what will people think of me" before reacting. Keep in mind that much of this has been not always at a very conscious level. For sure, when I am out of my element it was conscious. But coming to realize that this weight has been there at an unconscious level as well has given me insight into how it has drained away the essence of who I truly am. And coming to the conclusion that I myself don't even remember my authentic self...the person who I am meant to be...the uncensored version that I was created to be. Whew! I realize why I deal with exhaustion and overwhelm all the time...it is a lot of work to go through life cautiously. To constantly worry about what people might think of you if you let out a tiny bit of your true self. I realize that i have gotten to the point of even doing this with my own family. And sadly, to the point that even I no longer know my true self. I have been afraid and unwilling to trust. I have been dealing with depression for many years and it is no wonder given all the "work" I constantly am doing to worry and fret about what people might think of me.
It dawns on me as I write this that I have long craved unconditional love and acceptance from my family and friends. But why am I craving it?? Because I was subconsciously rejecting that I already have unconditional love and acceptance...from God. Prior to coming on this trip, I would never have been able to write this blog. If I had even had these insights, I would have hidden them away in a private journal. Because again, what will people think of me if I speak my heart? There is only one human being that I have been willing to completely speak my heart with, who I was willing to lay myself open in front of...finally I see why it was so easy to be around her...because I was being more of my true self. (Looking forward to seeing her after her upcoming wedding)
I feel God working in my heart, and one of the points of the sermon reminded us that the Holy Spirit is a gift given to us who is living in us. I was just always "talking over" the Holy Spirit, I was interrupting any chance of the Holy Spirit speaking to me. I expect doubts to creep back in and I will try to banish them. I think of a talking circle that I have heard about from native cultures. A feather is passed around to the people in the circle and the only time you are allowed to speak is when you hold the feather. It is the Holy Spirit who is living in me's turn to hold the feather. :)
It seems that you had to travel across the world to find... yourself! I know that you are a good person, Markee, there is no doubt that you are loved and cherished by all who know you. You can't help it, your true self leaked out while you weren't looking. I love you and applaud your journey toward peace and tranquility. Thank you so much for writing his post and sharing with me. Sending you lots of cyber hugs. Can't wait for the next one!
ReplyDeleteWell, I finally got around to reading your posts mom and they are amazing. I am so proud of you and glad that you stepped out of your comfort zone to go on this trip. It seems as though it will become the trip of a lifetime for you and I can't wait to hear more when you are home! I look forward also, to meeting the "new you" when you get back to Canada and trust that you will have some very valuable life lessons for Brian, Greg, and I. We love you very much and have somehow managed not to burn the house down while you've been gone. We are functioning somehow :) You are the best mom anyone could ask for and I am so happy that you finally get to take time for yourself, while participating in such a great experience!
ReplyDeleteSo love the fact that you have come to this realization! Isn't it great that God and God alone is the only one who defines our true worth and value? And how incredibly valuable and unique we all are! We so often(and I speak from experience here because I too often fall prey to it)look to the world and popular culture to give us what it just does not have to give -we seek validation and meaning from it and it just keeps giving what us what it does have - brokenness, judgment, greed and the false truth that our worth is determined by our jobs, material wealth, physical beauty etc. It sounds like you are among a group of really wonderful people who are so very fortunate to have the real you there among them as you go about activities that are truly important and will bring real meaning to your life as well as to the lives of those you will be serving.
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